S.O.S

Here we go. So I am currently sitting in a stairwell in a hotel in Florida and I have to say this is the absolute worst holiday ever. I am literally done with this whole operation. I'm supposed to be in a wedding the weekend. The family getting married are the people I've posted about before. Well today they were suppose to check into their hotel and get settled. Instead they decide it's not up to their standards (because you know black mold is.). Well they couldn't find another hotel so they decided it was ok to stay here with us. Note I paid for the hotel. And I wasn't asked I was told so I'm already pissed. They get back around 9:30 pm and I'm tired ready to go to bed. The bride wants her hair rolled nails done eyebrows waxed etc. the kids are screaming and when I try to get one to lay down boom busted lip. I'm ready to go home and I would leave now if I wasn't afraid they'd ransack the place and my card get charged for missing items. I have tried to be nice I am a very nice person. But damn it enough is enough. I'm so angry I am shaking. I am tired and I am done when I get home tomorrow that's it blocking everyone. Done.

I got a laptop

I am making things easier on myself so I now have a macbook. It's really not that bad i actually like it. Today will be short because im going out with someone to go riding and I am not about to turn down a ride so yeah. Big things are happening and honestly I am really happy. That is a first.

Let's get deep

I know I haven't posted in the past few days and I promise I have a very good reason. There's a show trending throughout different social media sights. The show? Thirteen reasons why. This post is for anyone who knows how it feels to be the victim and for the all the abusers, users, bullies, what have you.

     To the abusers, users, bullies, ect. Why? What is the joy you feel from the people you push, hit, curse, and lie to? Is this something you truly enjoy? Do you do it to look cooler? Does it make you feel tough and big? What did that person ever do to you to make you want to knock them down? Do you even bother asking yourself how would it feel if you were the kid who just got made fun of? Do you even know that person? It's so sad that nine out of ten of Bully personality people just don't care. They hurt people just to hurt them. Were you picked on before? Are you having struggles at home? Here's an idea don't take it out on others. What world do we live in that we feed of the smaller persons fear. Just a thought for all of you.

       Victims, please and I beg you get help. Whether you confide in a friend, a teacher, just anyone please get help. You are not alone in this fight there are so many others out there hurting and are wounded seek each other out help one another build yourselves up and overcome. Today in the world we live in it seems that the color of your skin, your sexual preference, religion, etc can make you a target. Don't let the things that define you as a God made creation be your weakness. Don't let them use it against you. Be proud of who you are. When they push you down jump back up and overcome. Seek out help before it's too late. Don't let them take your happiness. And if you do feel the urge to self harm, or feel depressed, or even decide you don't want this life anymore please seek out someone. Seek out Jesus,Your church,Your coach, your friend, your family, your teacher, your local counselor or therapist, anyone you can talk to about it and I can guarantee you'll find a reason to stay with us. Don't wait. Stay. 

A quicky

So just a short post tonight. The day was good literally did nothing except church and puzzles with the residents today. I have to go in at 4 in the morning and I'm not a morning person at all getting up early in the morning makes me a mourning person. RIP sleep. 

Nonchalant

Today was really a boring day. Work was slow and I remember why I don't like working restorative. Tomorrow is Easter and again I have to work, kind of sucks that it's not a paid holiday. That really irks me, why don't employees get paid on Easter? I don't want to hear "because it's not a real holiday, it's just for christians." Um excuse me 1. It is a real holiday it was the day we all became saved, the day he arose from the tomb and washed away sin that point should give you a free ticket on the hell wagon. 2. Yes it is for christians, but it is also for all his children whether they know his name or not and if you want to fight that argument with me CHRISTMAS. Christmas is a paid holiday and I strongly believe Easter should be one also. I was trying so hard to keep away from negative rage posts I really was, but that has me feeling some type of way. Atleast I only have to work two more days then I get a day off. I need to calm down for a day or two. In other news Alice, my bird baby, is growing her feathers out finally thank god. Maybe discovering the demon in her saved her from plucking them out again. Hopefully. I really want to take Shelby to work tomorrow she loves people but then again she likes to jump on people and I don't want her to give someone a skin tear. She didn't eat her food I spent a lot of money on. She hates what's good for her and loves the bad stuff. Poor baby maybe too spoiled. Oops.

Let it go and let it be

I have a tendency to leave things bottled up. This is very dangerous even for a normal person my age. Here lately I just want to vent and talk about things in my life that have just warped me into a split personality like human. I feel so many emotions and I just wish I could lay it all out there without feeling even worse. It's like a reoccurring nightmare that haunts me. It takes one word, one minute, one person to make you or break you. I've been on both ends of that table and it's always the bad that ways out the good. Between fighting with friends or family to seeing that person that broke you into a million pieces and trying to put on that face that makes everything seem ok I feel so lost. I wish it wasn't so hard. I wish I could turn back time and do the things that I regret not doing. I miss the old me, I know I can't get that back and it's my mistake to bare. I just wish that another path would open up to me. Some part of me wishes I could be happy like this. Loneliness will end up being my final curtain call. I can just feel it. I'm just waiting on the lights to fade at this point. 

Thursday night anger

Okay, so I don't know how to put all this. I have a person in my life, I can't call her a friend because, well, she abuses the fact I have money and she doesn't. I started hanging out with this person in high school back then everything was fine, no problem. We graduate and she has a job and gets me a job by talking to her boss. Two years later that boss left and in comes a new boss and said friend can't do anything right and she gets fired. She has since been in and out of jobs for years. No steady income whatsoever. I find a new job and I make good money. Well I help her get a job because you know she did help me before. She stays there for literally six months and begins to constantly call-in and not show up for work. She gets fired again. Well, she finds more work but nothing sticks. My other friend that I adore and love moves out of state, and I go through one of the roughest parts in my life. I got into an abusive relationship and was made to believe it was ok because he said he loved me and I didn't want to be alone. When things are literally burning I that relationship I turn to the jobless friend who also abuses me, for money. But I feel I should hang out with her because no one else could physically be there for me. She at the time was in a relationship herself. I paid for everything. For both of them. Did I get a thank you? A kiss my ass? Anything? No, the one time I didn't bring HER boyfriend home something to eat I get yelled at. Fast forward to now her boyfriend is now her ex she's had several "pregnancy" scares and I'm emotionally done. I feel bad but honestly how can I help someone who refuses to help themselves. Maybe I'm being petty. Maybe I am cold hearted. But my bank account is nearly empty because she believes when we go somewhere I've got it. Like all I wanted was a friend, but it feels like I'm giving her child support. She currently lives in a house with her dad, her brother and his fiancé and their two kids, and several animals. The entire back part of the house has black mold in it. She won't tell the landlord because god forbid he inspect the very nasty, neglected, boarder line condemned house. They only have one car so she says she can't get a job until she fixes her car. But how will that car get fixed with zero cash flow. I should call dhr because those kids should not have to live in a house full of black mold and starving because they have no money and no way to get groceries. Maybe it's none of my business I just feel so bad and so grossed out all at once.